Ana's Plague
by magic26446
Summary: A smile is all it takes to cover up pain, a smile for the right people. The ones you love never believe you hurt when you're smiling all the time, but all of that effort makes the smile impossible to hold when alone. Bella could please everyone but herself and this is the story of her pain and struggle with anorexia.
1. Prologue

PROLOGUE

"Fat. Drugged up. Worthless! How can you even stand to look at yourself in the mirror? Doesn't it just make you want to puke? Do you feel like that fat piece of shit? Well you are.

Want people to see your inner beauty? Get skinny! No one likes a fat ass. You're ugly and you know it. People just smile at you out of pity. They all want to puke when they see you too. No one wants to look like that. Fat cushioning every inch of your body. It's disgusting. You disgust me. You're a disgrace for a human being. You should die."

A tear slipped out Bella's eye as she looked at herself. Everyone was happy with her. She had a wonderful boyfriend whose family absolutely adored her. Her dad never had a bad thought about his little girl. Her mom, though more obsessed with her own life and husband, loved her girl. Boys chased her. Jacob looked at her with those eyes. Yes, everyone was happy with Bella… except herself.

She didn't bother to wipe the tears. There would be more soon as she leaned over the toilet, stuck her middle finger to the back of her throat and stroked the top, trying to elicit throw up. Her eyes watered and drool pooled around her mouth as she gagged before she finally got the satisfaction of the throw up clearing her throat and splashing into the toilet. She allowed herself a few gasps of breath before plunging her fingers back into her throat. Small amounts of puke came out every time. She had to get it all out. All of the food. All of the drink. Everything. Now.

Only when the bile burned her throat did she slump down to the ground dragging her hand along the toilet and catching the handle to flush it on the way. As the food washed away she allowed herself a small smile of satisfaction. She had rid herself of the vile things poisoning her body, making that awful voice in her head quiet. She was on the way to being beautiful. Bella knew from that point on that food was not meant for her.

She straightened up and stood in front of the mirror once again. One day she would stand in front of the mirror and not cringe in hateful loathing. She washed off her hand, still covered in her own sick then, walked out of the bathroom. She flicked off the light behind her, just as she was flicking off the life she had once had so she could walk into a new, more open and spacious life. The view in her room was much better than the cramped space of the bathroom. Pretty things are always liked better.

A/N

I know I never read author's notes but I know there are people who do. This was my thought process for the most part when I stopped eating. I went and threw it up whenever I gave in. I just could not stand to see myself and it grossed me out. Still struggling. I was sent to clinic and got better but it's nagging me again. I went through my journals and this is basically them. I will put a story line to them. I thought this would be therapeutic. Kind of see where my thought processes whet wrong. I don't want that kind of attention again.


	2. If it's Not Broken, Why Fix It?

If it's not Broken, Why Fix It?

As soon as the first snore escaped Charlie, Bella knew Edward would be there. She glanced over to the unlatched window, as if on some internal clock. Sure enough Edward was already sliding in. She smiled, always able count on him. He floated to the bedside, a smile of his own dominating that angelic face.

They kissed softly, then Bella was pulled close for a gentle hug, as he breathed in her scent. "Oh, I've missed you, beautiful," he breathed. Edward could not see the look on Bella's face when he called her beautiful. The reaction most would expect is a beaming girlfriend, so happy to be complemented. Bella was never normal. She grimaced a small amount at his lies. Compared to him and his family she was plain Jane. Her self-control was abominable. This is why he would not touch her past kisses and hugs, then, her face contorted into a yawn.

He pulled back enough to turn her and rest her on his chest. "I missed you too," she whispered as he cradled her frame and lay down on the bed, Bella on his lap. She let out a second yawn, unable to stifle it. Why was she so exhausted? Before her mind could process the question thoroughly she had fallen into a deep slumber against the chest of her lover.

He stroked her hair and kissed her brow. He wished he could sleep, but since he could not, this state of relaxation was the best way to spend a night: his love cradled in his arms, ever so sound and peaceful, until the dreams started. He wished he could read her thoughts. In the past, her dreams seemed to be like any normal persons. She would murmur soft words. It always gave him a smile when she would say his name. The soft 'Edward' murmured in that deep subconscious state would soften his eyes and make him feel practically human again.

Lately, her dreams had changed. Rather than the peaceful Bella he knew in sleep she was more restless. Her body would move more, as if she was restless. Edward attributed this restlessness to stress. Bella was taking care of herself and Charlie and she was nearly done with school. Plus, her attempts at intercourse always seemed to fall short. Edward very much wished that he could give into her physical demands, but it was a slippery slope. If he gave into one of his pleasures, he was unsure if he could control the others.

"Perfect." Edward really did wish he could read Bella's mind. This word had come up the last few days in her sleep. Such an odd word to whisper in the dead of night…

When the morning rolled around, Bella was never alerted by the sound of an alarm clock anymore. Instead, Edward would set her down and whisper that he would see her in a few hours, as he heard Charlie stir in bed. Then he would leap from the window, light as a feather and disappear into the night as silently and gracefully as he had come.

Bella took this opportunity not for more sleep but instead for exercise. Mornings are said to be the best time to exercise. When one exercises in the morning, metabolism is burning right off the bat. Not only that, but since all of the food from the night before had been processed, the exercise is burning fat and not simply calories.

Before Charlie left, she limited herself to stretches and generally stationary exercises. Crunches, push-ups, endurance poses. After Charlie left she would start some more intense cardiac work outs. 150 jumping jacks. Run up and down the stairs 10 times. Then, she would look at the clock. Assess. She had to leave for school at 7:30. Before going she needed a half hour to shower and change. It was 6:30 now. The old trail behind her house, through the woods, stretched about 2 miles. There and back it was 4 miles. She ran 7 minute miles about. It was possible.

Ah, a challenge. Bella's inner self smiled. She took off out the door, booking it towards the trail. The feeling of being complete was never as sweet as it was when she was running, running towards something great, running toward a better self.

The path she took was fairly well trampled. Though there was some fallen branches and small trees along with slight overgrowth. Her usual clumsiness didn't seem to bother her as much as she ran. She only stumbled about once every 5 minutes, much better than the constant tripping she did when she walked. People were made to run, run for food, run away from trouble, and run for fun. Only in the last few hundred years when it was unnecessary for people to work as hard did running simply become a chore.

She kept a constant pace, saving energy so she would have enough to return in time. The trees passed by and she kept a rhythmic breathing. She ran towards the rising sun. It was beautiful. For once there was no rain and she could actually see the light filter in through the trees and clouds.

Here in Forks it was not very often that they could spy beauty. Certainly Edward and his family were beautiful but everyone else was just kidding themselves. Bella pushed herself harder. She could see the end of the trail. She was halfway there. When she reached it she bent over against a tree and gave herself a minute to catch her breath. The clock read 45 after. 'Perfect.' Bella thought. She was not as fast as she could have been but if she kept the same pace she would make it back right on time.

The run back was uneventful. She made it back at 7:33 and ran right into the shower. Her heart racing and breath heavy, Bella showered away the run. She noticed a few scrapes on her hands, from catching herself with the trees. It was okay, though. Edward and everyone else would just attribute it to her normal clumsiness. It was not unusual for her to have scrapes on her body from falling somewhere.

Her hair was still wet when Edward came to pick her up for school but he did not seem to mind. On the contrary. He smiled. "Strawberries," he breathed. She smiled as if on impulse. "I wasn't expecting you here today," she told him. "The sun is peeking." Bella gestured toward the few visible rays of sunlight.

"Alice checked." Started Edward. "I'll be there until lunch. Then the family will have to go to dentist appointments." Bella nodded. They often left like this. Only coming part of the day then leaving early, or showing up late. Alice's gift came in handy for the family going to school. They tried to stay as inconspicuous as possible and missing school constantly seemed to accomplish just the opposite effect. Rumors started that way.

Sure enough, when they pulled into the school parking lot, the sun was tucked securely into a cloud, sleeping for the morning. It wasn't raining for once, which was a pleasant surprise. Bella reached for the door handle, but before she could touch it the door popped open for her, revealing a charming man on the other side. She laughed as he reached out his hand. "My dear," Edward extended a hand which she used to help herself up and out of the car. He seemed to feel the scrapes. "What did you do here?"

Bella shrugged. "You know me. I could trip in my sleep." This answer seemed to assuage Edward.

"Shall we?" Edward gestured towards the school, as he dropped her hand. He was always doing that. It was like he was afraid to be seen touching her. She could see why.

"Bella! Edward!" Alice skipped up to the couple as they walked into the school. The rest of the family was lagging behind.

"Hi Alice," Bella replied with a grin. Alice could always make her day good.

She seemed to be concentrating on something at the time, However. Her eyes were distant and Bella knew she was having a vision. Edward was concentrating on it as well and Bella had the sneaking suspicion it was about her. Sure Enough, after Alice left her trance they both turned to her and asked almost in unison: "Bella, are you feeling alright?"


	3. You Make My Head Swim

You Make My Head Swim

_"Bella, are you feeling alright?"_

Five words have never hurt so much in her life. The worst part is that the words were full of care and concern. This meant that Edward and Alice knew something was the matter with her. They guessed, but they did not _know. _If they knew they would think something was wrong with her and they would make her eat. She knew they were strong enough to shove that vile grease soaked, carb filled food into her mouth. The thought almost made her gag, but Bella controlled it.

Lying had never been a strong suit of Bella's but she felt as if this situation was dire. Instead of the wide-eyed look of panic that threated to over-take her face, Bella forced her eyebrows to knit together. Her forehead wrinkled slightly in the process. She pursed her lips and slightly tilted her head to the side, as if she was extremely confused about the situation. It was the type of look a Hollywood actress would where when she feigned bewilderment. "Yes," she hesitated. "I feel fine. What did you see Alice?"

The pixie exchanged a glance with Edward who appeared to be examining Bella closely. He did seem to be having a conversation with Alice, however. Bella doubted anyone else would ever notice the miniscule movements that Edward was making, but Bella was not just anyone. She knew him and knew that the slight movements of his head, as if nodding it had to be deliberate. The man did not even need to breathe.

"Nothing important, Bella," Alice piped, as if in reaction to the movement of Edwards head. "You just seemed like you had a bad flu or something." She shook her head. "It was okay though, Carlisle was taking care of you." Bella's breath almost caught. What Alice said must have been the truth, or what they thought was they truth. She knew this from the slight nod Edward gave his sister, and from the truth and concern in Alice's voice. Bella decided to try and ease their worry a bit and hers too. They would be paying a lot of attention to her if they thought she was going to get majorly ill within a few days.

"Oh, I get sick every year. It's nothing to baby me over," she huffed. This tactic usually worked on Edward. He had a tendency to be over protective. Her eyes met his and she could feel them burning into her soul. He cared so much for her and here she was, lying to his face, but she could not turn back now. Morphing to stone, she kept her eyes locked with his, and for the first time since they had gotten together, Edward averted his eyes first.

"As you wish," he purred.

A Bella rang in the distance that about made Bella jump out of her skin. It seemed as if she Edward and Alice had been discussing this for an hour. The students passing along with Edward's family, and the cars passing had not even registered to her. Sometimes it amazed her how little she noticed. Others noticed little more than her, as a general population, unless it had to do with scandal and gossip.

She sighed. "Guess that means we have to go to class."

Edward laughed at her. "You don't have to sound as if you're marching to your death."

"Besides," he breathed in her ear, sending a shiver down her spine. "I get to be with you and that can't be all bad," She knew he was speaking the truth. It was he English class. She had read through all of the books on the syllabus. Currently it was Fyodor Dostoyevsky's _Crime and Punishment. _It wasn't the best read but at least the story was good. Needless to say, Edward had read it as well. They usually occupied their time during the discussions passing notes back and forth. Some days, they even talked about the books in their notes. Speaking to Edward about what she thought and getting his opinion was a lot better than exposing herself to a classroom full of kids, half of which had never even read the book and never would.

Bella gave him a small smile, turned and started toward the school. Her head swam as she did so, and her vision blacked around the sides. Edward caught her elbow to steady her, frowning. "I'm fine," She insisted. He did not seem to want to argue with her as they headed off to class. Bella had the half the day to convince him of her statement, and he would not even be there to see her skip a meal. She was determined that the day would go better than the morning.

A/N

Sorry I haven't been writing. My computer took a crap. Then, I broke my hand. I should be able to get on more often now.


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